Every Man Has Two Dogs
In my years of therapy, I’ve been encouraged to feed the right dog as if two are metaphorically begging beneath the table. To feed them, I give them my time and my thoughts. One dog desires to overwhelm me with frustrations, what is not happening that could be happening, and leads to a slide of sadness into depression. That dog tells me that I’m not getting better, my marriage isn’t getting better, the church isn’t getting better. It’s a bad dog and I feed him by agreeing with him.
The other dog is a companion. He protects me from invaders stealing my joy. His affection reminds me that God is good, and loves me. He is a life-giving canine. But if I starve this second dog by feeding only the first, he will be too weak to walk with me. So I have to feed the right dog or as Scripture says, “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
Sad Mornings
I wasn’t always like this, but most mornings I battle a sadness that wants to invade my life. As I prepare for the day I can easily slip into what did or did not happen yesterday, and may or may not happen today. They are not uncommon thoughts for a middle-aged Dad. “The heat is broken again. The van needs new brake pads. Money is tight. Winter won’t leave. Why did I eat the whole box of Girl Scout cookies?” Like you, I can fill this loop of negativity for hours if I desire.
To stop the loop, I have to stop everything. Literally I choose to get alone at some point in the morning and stop producing. Baptists call it their “quiet time” and I refused to have one for decades because as a young man at college I experienced it as a ridiculous competition in spirituality. Other men would ask, “what did you read this morning?” or “what did you get out of this morning’s quiet time?” while they returned to their dorm room with a stack of books and a journal. Later in life I think I avoided being still with the Lord because I was afraid of what I would feel if I didn’t rush through my day from beginning to end. I carried around a lot of guilt for years, which only surfaced when I wasn’t busy. So I stayed really, really busy! And honestly, other men admired me for it.
Stop and Feel
I have been changed. Now my quiet time is essential, because it is through moments of meditation I feed the right dog. Practically this is how it works. I realize I’m being crazy in my head and I find a place to be alone. I allow my feelings to wash over me for a time. Really feel them. Whether they’re sadness or joy, resentment or compassion I don’t judge. I just feel. If I’m sad, I pray for God’s help, not for sadness to go, but to confess that I’m afraid the sadness will master me. But it’s not always sadness. Other times being quiet with the Lord is sunshine, and warmth. When I’m joyful in these moments I weep, thank God, and enjoy the feeling of joy mixing with gratitude. Those are the days when it’s easy to feed the right dog.
Other days the process is longer. After a time of sitting in my feelings I start thinking again, and listening to God’s voice. I do not possess inside of me the wisdom to run my life, so I get that information from the Bible. Sometimes it’s inspirational information such as, “we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance… character and hope.” But usually its more pointed to my situation, “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children.” And then I “get schooled” by God on how my fear is introducing perfectionism to my children. Or there are times when the verse, “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way” will pop in my head and I’ll think about how different my wife is from me, and the many ways I’ve fallen short. For most of our marriage I did all the right things on the outside while fostering distance on the inside. So the Lord will reveal my heart to me over and over again which somehow is leading me to be a different husband.
It would be simple if what I just shared was a 5 minute formula. Feel, pray, read the Bible, repent, go to work. But it’s not that simple, because God is into transforming me, not just giving me what I need to survive the day. For me, discontent returns repeatedly in my time of being still. I’m sad because change is slow and uneven. I’m frustrated because life is hard. I’m pissed that apparently life does not revolve around me like I once thought it did. I’m disappointed because I know so much Scripture, and I struggle to assimilate that truth into my life. My point is that when I get still with the Lord, I can’t escape that I’m powerless.
My final experience to stop the crazy and feed the right dog is another round of dying, giving up and weeping. It sucks! And it’s delightful. It hurts, but it doesn’t harm. The dying leads to peace. If I will go all the way to the bottom, I will feel Him. I feel the presence of God lifting me up and saying, “I got you.” A conversation with God occurs where He asks me to trust him, I confess that I’m afraid, and He reminds me that He knows.
I experience my oneness with Christ in these moments. And then I carry on in my day. No building a shelter to camp there for days. It’s just a few essential moments that get me right before I get going. That is how I starve one dog and feed the other. That the process I go through sans one other ingredient I’ll write about later.
I do not believe I will completely mature out of this or heal out of this experience of dependency. It may change, but it won’t go away. I believe it’s what is intended by being united with Christ. He is my head, my fountain or source of life. He is wisdom, He has always been, and He knows what it’s like to be human. To be a man.
He can identify with me. He was tempted in a wilderness to agree with lies that would have taken him off course. Just as I am. We are together in this. He was overwhelmed all night in a garden where he wept and could only turn to God in prayer. I’ve been there. As a human being he did not want to be alone, but wanted companionship even if they didn’t have the answers. “Just stay awake guys, and pray with me a little longer.” And I am no better than him. I need people. I feel alone. Jesus understands all of this about me because he’s been there himself, and mysteriously he goes there with me.
Grace = empowerment
People use the phrase, “by the grace of God I…” It’s a trite phrase, unless you’ve experienced the deep powerlessness that exists in your humanity. Let me say, by the grace of God I’m still here, and more than ever I feed the right dog. I am still utterly dependent on his grace. I need it to follow the instruction of Philippians 4:8, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” I need his grace to feed the right dog, and He gives it. It doesn’t pour out like a refillable soda at McDonalds, but lies in a field waiting for me to discover it, value it, and sell all I have to possess it.
Hmmm….
“whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
I’m having a day of why haven’t you accomplished your tasks! Why are you about ready F all this up! After reading what you wrote about feeding that bad 🐶 dog, Ya know the one who doesn’t speak truth and life and doesn’t love well. I’ve been feeding that Mangey dog all my life, It’s time to see that Rabies infectious dog for what it is and go dig a hole and grab the 22 and put the things down. Holding onto that verse today Paul thank you for the post.
I’ve heard it said “humility is being known for who you really are” Its transparency before God and others. Its also an important part of that path to inner freedom. Thanks for your openness Paul. I can identify with the inner dog fight as well. Woke up this morning just after 5am after a difficult night sleep. Was feeling pretty blah and down on myself. Read your blog and that recipe of openness, God’s presence and making space for the Holy Spirit has brought me into a place of Holy Spirit reflection. Its good to feel God’s peace and a deep thankfulness. Love ya brother. Thanks for the encouragement this morning. Its a good way to start the day. I pray you have a great day as well!