Pastor’s Kids

Written by Holly Steiner

Considering the recent tragedy in which the pastor in California took his life, in the spirit of transparency, and because recently one of my children was hurt by one of our adult congregants, I write this open letter to my church (and to all churches) in hopes to educate congregants on what pastor’s kids go through.  I speak on behalf of many pastors, their spouses, and their kids, who wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing what I’m about to.
I would like to preface this with my sincere appreciation for my church.  I think my church is the best and healthiest church I have ever been a part of.  In general, I believe they love us and our children and do their best to show that.  My kids are blessed to be a part of this church. Our experience as a family does not only apply to our church, but to the 4 churches we have been a part of as we have raised our kids. Also, I understand that most people don’t set out to be jerks to our kids.  Most people just don’t understand what pastor’s kids go through and that a well-meaning rebuke can be seen as abusive to them.

First, no pastor’s children signed up to be pastor’s kids or do ministry.  They have no choice in the matter.  If you asked 100 pastor’s kids, in their teens, if they would sign up for such a “role”, 90 of them would say “no way”.   I have sat with every one of my 5 kids on multiple occasions as they cried over the pressure and abuse they experienced as pastor’s kids. They have been accused of entitlement, being “bitches”, being “brats”, “getting everything they want because their parents are the pastors”, all because they weren’t friends with your kids, or they didn’t lead, or they weren’t perfect, or they were just kids and that is just not good enough for a pastor’s kid. From the world, they experience constant nit picking of everything they do, with peers at school or work saying “are you supposed to do that since you’re a pastor’s kid?”. On top of the pressure put on them by others, I have come to learn through some of my children’s counselors that pastor’s kids put a lot of pressure on themselves. So the pressure comes from 3 places, the church, the world and themselves.

Second, I would like to be clear about our expectations, as parents, of our kids and the other pastor’s kids in our congregation. I believe this reflects healthy boundaries.

1. We have never expected our teenagers to attend our church youth group (at either church we were at raising teens). We allow them to pick a youth group they feel comfortable with and our teens have been a part of a variety of youth groups. Some of my kids have experienced much less pressure when they attend other churches.
2. We don’t ask our kids to be friends with every kid, or any kid for that matter, just because they are pastor’s kids. We do expect them to be kind to others, just as we expect that of all kids.
3. We don’t expect our kids to do ministry in our church….at all! That’s our job, not theirs. This includes being leaders in the youth group. It also includes babysitting your kids.  Our kids don’t have to babysit for free because you expect them to provide that ministry.
4. Yes, our kids are going to act like other kids. They will roll their eyes at adults sometimes.  They will sometimes act entitled.  They may do this more so than the other kids. Later I will explain why. Our kids get to be kids just like yours.  No different.  Absolutely NO expectations should be placed on our kids that aren’t on the other kids.
5. We hold our children accountable to their actions that are not loving, including disrespect of adults/authority. Any time someone has come to us with a complaint about something disrespectful our kids have done, we have made our kids clean up their mess.
6. When you hurt our kids, it hurts us deeply. I have spent many a night crying myself to sleep over the pain that my kids have experienced because of my choice to be in the ministry.  At times, I have been angry at God that He didn’t protect my kids from this abuse.  It’s not fair. At all!

Third, there are some things that most pastor’s kids have in common. Before we had kids, we were youth pastors and we pastored the pastor’s kids. Then we had our own “pastor’s kids”. This is what I’ve come to learn about many pastor’s kids:

1. They have an over inflated ego about being the pastor’s kid. This is because a child cannot be mature enough to handle the idea that to them, their father and/or mother is “famous”.  Much to my horror, I found my children acting like the pastor’s children that we served, and that we judged (I sincerely apologize to all our former pastors who had kids). No matter how much we have talked to our kids about humility, the ego is still there.
2. Most pastor’s kids experience frequent moves of churches during their childhood. The effect of this is often trauma. We went to 4 different churches and ministered at 3 of them since our oldest was a baby. 2 of our moves were due to abusive leadership (an also common problem among support staff in churches). The last move was especially traumatic for most of our kids. Not only did we leave a church, but we planted a church in the same 6 months, both especially hard things for us and for our kids. I still remember one of our kids, that always acted like they hated the other church (didn’t attend youth group there and we had to force them to go to church on Sunday), crying so hard when we told them we were leaving the church. This child felt the trauma of it more so than the others, who seemed to enjoy the church.  I think this child was also tuned into the pain we were experiencing in our loss over leaving.
3. The expectation of perfection put on the pastors is often put on the children as well because after all, if you are the perfect pastor then you will raise your kids perfectly and they will behave perfectly. Many congregants cannot handle the humanity of their pastors and their kids. In an article written about PKs one said “people would often stare at me during the service or watch my every move, and we lived in a fish bowl!” This person is now an adult that does not attend church.  This breaks my heart!
4. The typical stereotype of pastor’s kids being the worst when it comes to “sewing their wild oats” is often true. Our kids have made not so good choices because (through painful tears) “I’m so tired of being treated like there is something wrong with me because my parents are pastors.  Everyone thinks that I’m a prude and that I’m immature because I don’t do what they do.  I just wanted to be normal for once!”.  This brings up the point that the pressure to be perfect not only comes from the church but it comes from the world.  My kids have experienced much more persecution from the kids (and teachers) at their schools than they have from their church.
5. When we, as pastors, get wounded by people in the church, our kids experience it too, even when we try to hide it from them. This is very damaging to them. If it happens too much they begin to form the opinion that congregants are unsafe and mean. This explains why many pastor’s kids have no value for church when they leave home.

I understand that things will slip and most people do not mean to hurt the pastor’s kids.  But I think by experiencing some empathy for what they go through, you can change your expectations, which will alter your behavior towards them. I trust God that as our kids work out their journey, they will come out with strength and insight. Some of the most supportive congregants are PKs because they get it. Pray for your pastor’s kids!!

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